Having Nina Pennington as a girlfriend was a lot more fun before she became a celebrity. Before the movie a date consisted of us going out for a pizza and my plying her with enough boxes of wine to extract the mineral rights concession to her body. It was dead easy – Nina would take off her clothes and I would commence drilling operations.
Now things are so much different. First of all I can’t buy her a pizza anymore because Hollywood sold the product placement rights to “While I’m Dead… Feed the Dog” to Yoshi’s Microwavable Frozen Sushi. Everyone involved with the movie has been ordered to eat Yoshi’s Frozen Sushi whenever there is anyone with a camera around – which is unfortunately all the time, because Hollywood has hired paparazzi to follow Nina so Vanity Fair can do a sympathetic story on her bitching that stardom has robbed her of her privacy.
Secondly we can’t use boxes of wine, because Nina now has so much class that wine has to have at least three words written in French on the label, and I haven’t been able to find anything yet with ‘boîte de vin’ written on it.
Finally the biggest bummer is Hollywood having enrolled Nina in the prestigious “Sarah Jessica Parker – Sex in the City Starlet training Academy” where she is being taught how to pick at emotional scabs, then once the scabs become infected how to talk to her friends incessantly about it, and how to not take her bra off during sex. I haven’t seen the sacred twin peaks of Pennington in ages..
Last night was the perfect example. I got enough Chateau du Blotto down Nina’s gullet that we could make out. So we’re kissing and I’m rounding second base heading for third when Nina gets out her brand new iPhone 5 and starts texting her friends a blow by blow account (lmao :) bbf think he getting (!) but (_x_) lol am on rag! (: “ , She’s two minutes into composing her message and I’m getting close to verifying the text’s veracity when the iPhone’s battery dies and she gets so mad that she hurls the phone out the window and nails a paparazzi right in the face.
The iPhone didn’t shatter, but the paparazzi has a goose egg and is claiming he is emotionally shattered and is threatening to file a one million dollar lawsuit against Nina and me for assault with a deadly iPhone. But good luck to him on that because from what I understand the lawsuit must be filed in the Court closest to the incident, and according to her iPhone 5, the event happened somewhere just south of Venezuela, right by the Eiffel Tower.