Hurting Like the Dickens

“I can’t believe you are holding me to what I promised,” Hollywood is screaming at me on the phone, “I’m a movie producer, I’m not fucking George Washington and I didn’t chop down anyone’s cherry tree.  After all I’ve done for you, how could you do this to me?”

“All I asked was please sir can I have some more.   It worked really well in Oliver Twist.”

“As I recall, Oliver Twist didn’t have his fucking lawyer sending him a certified letter demanding ‘please sir send me some more money, or I’m going to rescind our contract,” Hollywood shouts.

“If Dickens’ producer hired the same screenwriter to fuck with his book as you did for mine, he would have,” I point out.

“Okay, how about this then, instead of what’s written in the contract I’ll guarantee you in cash five times what Dickens got for his screenrights?”

“Charles Dickens died in 1870 – long before there were movies.  He didn’t get anything for his screenrights.”

“All right I’ll sweeten the deal – I’ll make it 100 times more.”

“I was quoting Dickens, not Animal House, I didn’t say ‘Please sir may I have another’.”

“Didn’t you ever hear the expression that money doesn’t buy you happiness?” Hollywood yells.

“Yes, but you haven’t given me that either.”

“I have friends in the Romney campaign and I have binders full of girls…”

“I’ve already got a girlfriend – how about forking over some of the artistic satisfaction you promised?”

“Are you talking wanting your band’s songs in the movie?”


“Okay, let’s me just read the titles, My Life Sucks… But My Girlfriend Doesn’t,  I Don’t Know Much About Girls – But I really Want To Suck Your Cock,  I Won’t Go Down In History – But I’d Go Down On You, Jesus Loves -You But Everyone Else Thinks You’re An Asshole’, “It’s All Pink Inside and yes, Church of the Former Virgins.  I’m sorry I don’t think Selena Gomez’s audience is going to be buying your juvenile ramblings.”

“But you promised…”

“I think you better take the Dickens deal I offered.”

*           *                 *

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…

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