According to the latest edition of “The Observers Guide to Rockstars”, having a hot girlfriend is a requirement for being a rockstar. Tommy Lee had Pam Anderson, David Bowie has Iman, and Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart each married a whole slew of supermodels. Gene Simmons landed a seriously reconditioned Playboy centerfold even after she discovered he wears a really seedy wig. Yes, to be a rockstar you must have a hot chick, even if you have to go under the hood and replace all the worn out parts with aftermarket material.
I’ve got a guitar, I’ve got a pair of really awesome sunglasses and I have a hot girlfriend in Nina Pennington, so my life should be all groovy. It isn’t.
The problem is Nina Pennington. Don’t get me wrong, she’s gorgeous. The problem is that even though they are making a movie about me, she is still way more famous than I am. It’s nerve-racking. She’s got thirteen million Twitter followers, thirty-three million Facebook fans – not to mention her own line of perfume.
What happens if I get a zit on my nose, or if I fart? I can see her reaching for her diamond studded iPhone and Tweeting what a loser I am.
I just wrote a song about it. It’s called ‘My Life Sucks and My Girlfriend Doesn’t’ and I recorded it with some Italian friends of mine called Armed Venus. You can download it on ITunes for ninety-nine cents, or almost as much as I got for selling my life story to a big shot Hollywood producer. Steve Jobs gets a big chunk of that ninety-nine cents if you decide to buy it. It won’t do him any good though because he’s dead. With the gazillion dollars he made, he should have fallen off his wallet and bought a copy of “While I’m Dead…Feed the Dog”. the only book which guarantees you immortality or double your money back. The poor cheap bastard.
It’s a cautionary tale.